January 21

GAY PEC

CHRONICLE

speakout

Dad's wish for his gay son: Happiness-and grandchildren

by Clifton Spires

My oldest son, Rick, caught my wife and I off guard the first time he came home to let us meet the young man he was dating.

It was not because it was a young man. Rick already was out as a gay man, so there was no shock value to a six-foot-four fellow named Neal shaking my hand and glancing proprietarily toward my son. Rick seemed pleased that something about the situation bothered his annoyingly liberal parents.

My wife and I worked through the moment and had a nice visit, despite trying too hard not to ask questions about how far they had traveled in their relationship and how they were planning to go. We gulped down questions about past relationships, safe sex and the young man's intentions toward Rick, and smiled and acted like parents of a young adult child.

That was the key to our discomfort. We were at the point, with this son at least, of no return. He was an adult and was free to make his choices without our approval or protection.

It was not that we had not thought about our son dating a man. We were not ready for him to be dating someone who might be the one. We had not thought about what it meant to be parents-in-law.

That particular relationship did not go the distance, and as of this writing, Rick is still single. However, that first encounter with a potential new member of our family left us with questions, some of which are unique to the parents of gay and lesbian children and some of which are universal.

Many of the unique questions are trivial. When and if our son links up with another man permanently, what do we call the fellow? Is he our new son-in-law? "Law" infers they have some legal status. Is he our son's husband? That's acceptable to us, although I would expect to hear some very dumb person say, "Does that mean your son is the wife?"

How about something technically correct and unsatisfyingly neutral: "our offspring's spouse;" "the domestic partner-in-law of our oldest male child."

"Life companion" also is acceptable, but newspapers tend to place them at the end of family lists, next to the family dog, as in, "He is survived by his mother, Mom; his sister, Sis; two nephews, Bud and Junior; a life

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companion, Sam; and his best friend, Fluffy."

More important are the questions which any parent would ask of the new person in their child's life. Is he going to be good to my son? Is he going to support him for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health?

Will he join our family or alienate our son from us? Will my son be happy with him? Our son came close to finding true love on one occasion. Rick brought John, a slightly older divorced man, home to meet the whole family, including Grandma and Grandpa and grouchy Uncle Bill. John won us all over, and their relationship received blessings from nearly everyone (we did not expect much from Uncle Bill). I found myself increasingly comfortable with my new role-father-in-law to be--and wished them both happiness.

"But there is one thing,” I said, walking them out to the car. "And I'll tell this same thing to your younger brother some day. We expect grandchildren." I waited for this to register, then added, “Lots of them, preferably, but one will do for a start."

Anticipating their next question, I said, "Hey, you guys figure it out. That part's your problem."

Rick and John did not make it as a couple, for reasons that are their business. However, the episode left me a true believer in the importance of families. Whether our children are gay or straight,. I believe it is important for everyone to develop a family support system. One way not the only way-is through committing a lifetime of one's love to another individual. That kind of commitment is healthy emotionally, sexually and financially. There is plenty of proof that the right two people, gay or straight, can make it all work.

There is a problem, however. Our society deprives some of our children from sharing in this experience.

Domestic partnerships may be legal in isolated pockets of American society, but for the most part, gay men and lesbians cannot expect automatic coverage from their partners' health insurance plans. If one partner goes to court on criminal charges, the law can compel the other to testify against him or her, unlike the protection granted heterosexual spouses. There is no certain expectation of inheritance unless a will is specific on the issue when one partner dies.

Yes, gay people can adopt children. However, the American social system often raises the bar higher for homosexual couples wishing to adopt.

Sometimes the only children available to a same-sex couple are the ones labeled "difficult to adopt" because they are older or have serious medical problems. Nothing intrinsically wrong with that—a child will thrive with loving parents, gay or straight. But it is still an example of how our gay adult children have to work harder at life than their straight counterparts.

Every good parent wants happiness for their children.

However, happiness is clothing tailored to the user, and not something bought off the rack. Our children, even before they are adults, will cut their fashions out of their life patterns. As parents, we should hand down what they need and will accept, but also recognize their lives always will be their own.

If we truly desire happiness for our gay and lesbian children, we must encourage society to treat them equally under the law and in daily living. ♡

Clifton Spires is a newspaper journalist and freelance writer living in Norwalk, Ohio. He and his wife are the parents of two sons, one of each.

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